Destination: Flowerbed
by iNiGmA
Summary: [FINISHED] My first attempt at Humor. LOL. Its the day before HP5 comes out in Harry's world, and everyone's gone nuts! Voldie appearence. RR PLZ!


A/N:  Hey everyone!  I'm posting this again and hoping it turns out!  Thanx for all the reviews I got so far!  :)

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Disclaimer: _Come on now, ppl.  I know you have brains…use them!  If I owned Harry Potter, do you all honestly think I'd be writing petty fanfics, when I could be writing books for actual money?????  LOL.  Oh well, I wish I owned HP *sad faced* but we cant always have what we want, now can we?  Yes, I KNOW it sux….life sux…get over it.  LOLZ___

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Destination: Flowerbed

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"Come on!" Harry muttered as he wiped the dust off his mirror.  "Why is this taking so long?"

"Harry, just relax!" Hermione cried, annoyed, looking up from the book she was reading on Harry's bed.  "The fifth book comes out tomorrow!  You should be happy!  Besides, your readers don't expect your room to be neat as a pin, you know!"

"Oh, give it a break, Hermione!" Harry snapped, as he finished the mirror and turned to her, clutching the rag.  "Look, I'm sorry I sound rude, but I'm nervous, alright?  I have to finish cleaning the stupid room, and get you two out of here, and go outside and lie in the stinking flowerbed for reasons not yet known to me, and wait for Aunt Petunia, who I'm betting will come outside and yell at me for lying in her precious flowers!  And I don't even know _why I have to do it!  Wake up, Hermione!  Tomorrow is June 21st 2003!"_

"You know what I don't get?" Ron asked from where he stood by his bookcase.  He didn't wait for an answer.  "I don't get how it can be June 21st 2003 tomorrow, when it has been July 1995 for about three years!"

"You know perfectly well why it is that way," Hermione stated in her know-it-all voice.

"You know you can help me instead of doing nothing." Harry pointed out.

"Well, I d0n't see Hermione doing anything!" Ron retorted.

"Shut-_up, Ron!  We're not even supposed to be here!  Rowling didn't write it." Hermione shot at Ron._

"Oh yeah, then who did?"  Ron shot back.

"Dunno, a fanfic writer who's as bored as we are?  Of course our fans actually have stuff to do...we don't."

"You two fight like a married couple!"  Harry stated.  "Maybe you two _will get together in book five like almost all the fans say."_

"WHAT???"  Ron roared.

"Oh, shut up." Hermione muttered, blushing.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Harry asked Hermione, laughing.

"Dream on, Potter."

"That's totally out of character for you, Herm."  Ron observed.

"Yea, well it's not like this is the real book!" Hermione said, as if trying to find some way to explain her behavior.  "Honestly, Ron!  Give me a break!  I can't be a goody-two-shoes all the time!"

"Why not?"

Harry groaned as his two best friends started bickering.  "Bye!" he called as he ran out of the room and down the stairs, where he bumped into Dudley.

"Oops, sorry Dudley."  Harry muttered.

"That's all right."

Harry glanced at him.  He seemed upset.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm _bored!  Mum and dad are gone to the store, and ever since Piers left for his grandma's house two years ago, I've had absolutely nothing to do."_

"I thought he was only going for a week," Harry said.

"He was.  It's not over yet."

Harry laughed.  "Oh yeah, I forgot.  Well it should be over as soon as the clock hits midnight."

"Hope so," Dudley said.  "Damn, Harry, I just _hate how Rowling makes me such a bad person in the books!  I mean I was but I've had almost three years to dwell on that, and I've changed.  I don't want to go back to the way I was."_

"Good for you, Dudley."

Suddenly, there was a very peculiar noise.  Both Harry and Dudley looked up in time to see Ginny Weasley fall on them from the ceiling with a huge wave of water.

"The hell!"  Harry cried.  "Ginny?  What the-?"

"Sorry," she muttered, sheepishly, as she slowly got up.  As she stood up, she slipped on the water all around them and landed on Harry's and Dudley's backs.

"Ginny, did you use magic?"  Harry cried.  "Oh, Aunt Petunia is gonna kill me!  Her floor is ruined!"

"Err…yea.  Sorry."

"You know you're not allowed!"  Harry cried.  "If Hermione or your mum ever found out…"

"Yeah, I know, but you get bored in three years.  Here, I'll clean it up," she said as she waved her wand and the water disappeared.

She got off of them and reached down to help Harry up.

"Thanks."

She smiled at him in return.  Harry turned to Dudley, who was staring at Ginny.

"Dudley, you ok?"

Dudley ignored him.

"Dudley!  Say something!"

Dudley turned to Ginny.

"You hot."

Ginny screamed and ran from the room.

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Harry found Ginny in his room along with Ron and Hermione.

"Oh, come on, Ginny.  Dudley won't remember saying that and you won't remember hearing it." He said, in an attempt to calm her down.

"Oh, shut-up, Harry," Ginny sniffed, as she sat down on his bed. "Your fat, ugly, evil cousin said I was HOT!"

"Well, you are.  And he's not evil at the moment."

Ron and Hermione stopped laughing silently and turned to stare at him.  So did Ginny.

"Wha--what did you say?" Ginny whispered.

"Erm, I said he's not evil at the moment…" Harry muttered, trailing off.

"No, the other part."

"Well, err, you're hot." He muttered miserably.

"Oh Harry!  Do you really think so?"

"If I say yes, will you run screaming from the room?"

"No!  Of course not!"

"But you did when Dudley…"

"Dudley can't compare to you!"

"Hey Hermione, did you hear that?" Harry asked the girl, laughing.  "Ron's sister loves me!"

At that thought, he turned to Ron.

"Hey Ron, did you hear that?  Your sister loves me!"

"Don't you dare do anything to my sister!"  Ron scowled at him.  "You know what I mean."

"Ron!  I'm shocked you'd think of me that way!"

"I know you have dirty little mind, Potter."

Harry snorted.  "Yeah right, how would you know that?  Tell that to Seamus and his PlayWiz magazine."

"Shut-up, potter!" Ron laughed, as he looked at Ginny and Hermione who were listening, astounded.  He turned to Hermione.  "Oh, what the heck, I'm not gonna remember this, and neither are you!  Hermione, I LOVE YOU!" he screamed.

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"Oh, Ron, thank you for telling me…" she began when suddenly they heard a voice.

"What's all this racket?  Potter, I've tolerated listening to you for almost three years.  I need quiet!  I'm trying to make a new Death Eater costume!  They're threatening to go on strike on the case of their wives don't find them attractive anymore in those robes and masks!"

"Voldie, get the hell out of my window." Harry growled, as he crossed to the window.

"Oh, come on, Potter, you're going to see me so soon anyway, why not invite me in?"

"Cause your ugliness will stink up the clean room." Harry said, as he slammed the window shut, causing it to hit Voldemort's face.

"Oooooh," Ginny and Hermione cried, while Ron said:

"Ouch, that must have hurt!"

Harry shrugged.  "Good."

He began to walk away when he heard:

"Please!"

Harry groaned and turned around.  Voldemort's head was sticking right through the glass as thought it wasn't there.

"Bye." He said as he picked up a cup from the floor and chucked it at Voldemort's forehead.

"Oh look!" Ron cried, laughing as Voldemort disappeared from the window and they heard him tumbling down to the ground.  "Did you guys see that?  Now he has a scar too!"

"Yea!" Ginny laughed.

"Good, now maybe he'll leave?"  Harry asked, hopefully.

"Doubt it.  Voldie can be very pushy."  Ron laughed.

"Unfortunately," Ginny said. 

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"Harry, would you please just let him in?" Hermione growled.  He's been at it for half an hour!  If I hear him singing 'I'm too sexy for my robes' one more time, I swear I'll hurt someone!"

"Did you say something, Herm?" Harry asked as he took out an earplug.

"Get him out of here!" she yelled.

"Harry, just let the idiot in!"  Ron growled.  "Do it for me!  Do it for your best friend!"

"No thanks.  I'm not having him in here!"

"Would you do it for me, Harry?" Ginny purred.  "I can't even hear myself think."

"Yea, ok." Harry said as he went to the window.

"Oh, but he does it for _you?" Ron said, clearly annoyed._

Ginny grinned.  "I'm worth it."

"Sis, I don't know what he sees in you."

"Well I don't know what Hermione sees in you.  You act like an immature moron."

"That may be so, but he's _my immature moron." Hermione grinned._

"Yep that's right…hey!  Did you just call me an immature moron?" he cried to Hermione.

"So?  You didn't do anything to Ginny when she did."

"She's allowed to speak the truth."

"Oh, and I'm not?"

"No, you're allowed to kiss me!"  Ron said, grinning.

'Ronald Weasley!" Hermione yelled.  "You better be thankful I'm attracted to you, otherwise you'd never get a girl!"

Ron was about to answer when he heard another voice next to him.

"Hullo everyone!  It's Voldemort as your service!"

"Curse Ron." Hermione said.

"My please.  Avada Keda.."

"NO!  I said curse him NOT kill him!  IDIOT!" Hermione yelled.

"Oh, sorry Miss. Hermione."

"Go sit in a corner and be quiet."

"Yes, fine, I'll sit in the stinking corner." Voldemort muttered sulkily as he started away.

"Now you see why I didn't want him in here?" Harry asked as Voldemort plopped down in a corner, facing the wall.

"Well it's better than his singing."  Ginny pointed out.

"Yeah, I guess you're right.  Who needs Ron anyway?"

"Hey I do!" Hermione growled.  "I'm not going through another school year alone."

"Yep, that's right, honey." Ron said.

"Get your hands off me!" Hermione said, turning to him.  "You've been immature, now go and keep Voldie company!"

"Hey, I have a name!" Voldemort called.

"Too bad you don't use it."  Harry answered.  He turned to Hermione.  "So, who do you think will die in book five?"

"Err I heard Ginny," Hermione said in a small voice.  She turned to Ron, Harry, and Ginny.  "Err, no offense.  I don't think that.  I just heard it."

"Well who do you think?"  Ron asked.

"Well, I think Hagrid."

"I hate you Hermione," Harry muttered, "You're always right."

She shrugged.  "Sue me."

"I would if I knew how."

"Oh you don't then.  Goodie for me!" she grinned.

"Maybe Voldie dies?" Ron suggested hopefully.

"Shut-up, Weasley, you're just mad I tried to kill you!" Voldemort called from the corner. Ron turned to him, than to the others.

"Anyone see anything wrong with that?"

They all shook their heads.  He turned back to Voldemort.

"There you go, Voldie, they all think you should die too!"

"Too bad I can't!  How else would there be seven books?  I bring the excitement!"

"Yea and you'll die in the end of the seventh!"

"I will not!"

"Yes you will, you're the bad guy!  Duh!  The bad guy always dies!"

"Hermione, don't provoke him." Ron said.

"Why?  What's he gonna do?  That's right!  A big fat nothing!"

"He might sing."  Harry said fearfully.

"What would he have to sing?  'I'm gonna die in three years!  Oh yea, I will!  I will!'?" Hermione asked, laughing.

"Don't give him ideas, Herm." Ginny said.

"Yea, fine.  This is me, shutting up."

"Good.  Now I won't sing."  Voldemort said.

"If you knew how, I wouldn't mind."  Harry stated.

"What's that supposed to mean, Potter?"

"Ok, I'll translate it into Idiot Language."  Ron said plainly.  "It means: you suck!  Get a life and never ever sing again!  Got it?"

Voldemort turned to Harry.

"I'm scared of him…" he whispered, looking at Ron.

"We all are."  Harry said evenly.  "You'll get used to it."

"Ok next topic, pairings." Hermione said.  "I have to admit I like the Ron/Hermione and the Ginny/Harry seems to be working quite well.  How about Draco/Pansy?"

"Cute couple." Ginny stated.

"I wouldn't want to see Malfoy kissing anyone." Harry stated.

"I shudder at the thought." Ron said nodding.

"I can picture it already!" Voldemort called.

"Oookay." Harry said.  "Who likes Lucius/Voldemort?"

"I'm NOT gay!" Voldemort yelled.  They ignored him.

"I like it." Hermione said, grinning evilly.

"That's so wrong!" Ron said, shuddering slightly. 

"I'm with Ron, but hey, it's Voldie!  I'd like to torment him anyway I can."  Harry said grinning.  "Ginny?"

"What do I say to that?" she asked.

"Ok, never mind.  Moving on.  Draco/Snape?"

"Ugh, Harry if Snape just heard you say that, he would take about 5,000,000  points from Gryffindor, and give you three years worth of detentions." Ron said. 

"Too late, Potter."

Harry whirled around.  "Oh damn.  It's Snape!"

"And me."  Draco Malfoy added.

"I'm sorry Mr. Snape, sir.  I didn't see you there."  Harry stuttered.

"I'm not gay, Potter."

"I quite understand, sir."

"Good.  Now apologize to Mr. Malfoy."

"I'm sorry, Malfoy."

"Use his name." Snape growled.

"I'm sorry, Draco."

"Good," now let's go, Draco, your mother awaits us.  Don't you dare get any ideas, Potter!"

"With that, Snape covered him and Malfoy in his cloak and disappeared, leaving all five of them to stare at the empty space.

"Wow, Harry." Ron whispered ten minutes later.  "He didn't take any points!"

"Could have he?  The year didn't start yet."

"Ok, let's just drop this subject." Hermione suggested.

"Good idea," Ginny said.

They stood up.  "I'm hungry." Ron said.

"Well, let's go get some food."

"What if Dudley's there?"  Ginny asked.

"I put a memory charm on him.  Don't worry."  Harry said.

As they walked into the kitchen, Harry glanced at the clock.

"It's eight p.m.!"

"Oh, that's not good.  Hermione said.  They walked to the fridge and Harry took out a bowl of leftovers and set it on the table.  They had just finished eating when they heard a lot of noise outside.  Suddenly, Voldemort came running through the door.

"What's going on out there?" Harry cried.

"I kinda invited everyone for a welcoming party for book five."  Voldemort said.

"What??" Harry cried.  "You idiot!  It's almost 8:30!  Tell them to leave!"

"I can't.  They've gone nuts!"

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, dreading the answer.

"Go look!"

Harry raced toward the window, but Hermione beat him to it.  "Oh Harry, you're not going to like this!" she muttered.

"Why what is—" Harry began, but broke off as he approached the window.

People were running around his yard, his block, his house.  They were screaming.  As he watched, someone turned on a Muggle stereo and loud music began blaring.

'I'm dead.' He thought.

At that moment, Dudley came running up to Harry.  "What's going on outside?  If mum and dad find out, we're dead!" he cried, voicing Harry's thoughts.

"I know!  We have to get them out of here!" Harry cried.  "Hermione, Ron, Ginny, help me!  Voldemort, go back to your lair!"

"Fine, I know when I'm not wanted." Voldemort said, and disappeared with a pop.

"Come, on!" Harry cried.  "Help me get rid of them!"

The five of them rushed outside.

"Hey, Harry!" 

Harry turned around.  It was Seamus and Dean.

"This your party?  It's the bomb!"  Dean called.

"Err, thanks, Dean, but you all have to leave! NOW!"

"Now way," Seamus laughed.  "We just got here!"

"And you just condemned me to the death sentence." Harry muttered to himself.

"Did you say something?" Hermione asked. 

 "No, never mind."

***

It was 11:45.  Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Dudley had only just succeeded in getting the raving people out.

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had arrived home about thirty minutes ago and were angry beyond belief.

Harry raised his wand and, hoping he wouldn't get into any trouble, waved it, and after saying a few choice words, the yard was clean again.  After that, he raced back into the house and up to his room.  Dudley, Aunt Petunia, and Vernon were all back in their rooms.

"You have to leave!"  Harry cried as he slammed open the door.  "Now!  Go!  Disaparate or whatever.  Just get out in the next five minutes!"

"We don't know how to apparate." Hermione stated.

"Than how did you get here?"

"We just appeared!" 

"Well do that now!" 

"It takes a few minutes!" Hermione said in a know-it all tone.  "Don't rush us, Harry.  At midnight, we'll be wherever we're supposed to be.  Don't worry."

"I'm not worrying, just hurry!"

At that moment, Ron began to disappear.  

"See you September First, mate." He said.  With that he was gone.

"Bye Harry!" Ginny called, as she began to flicker, "I hope we _do _get together in book five!"

"Me too!" Harry called as she blew him a kiss.

At that moment, the clock began to chime.

"Oh no!" Harry cried.  "I'll never make it to the flowerbed!  I'll have to run all around the house after I run down!"

"Go!" Hermione cried, as she too began to flicker.

After a moments thought, Harry raced to the window and flung it open.  He threw one foot out.

"What the hell are you doing?"  Hermione cried.

"Jumping to the flowerbed.  If that's how book five starts, I have to get to it, so I won't be hurt when I jump!"

"Did it ever occur to you that you might be lying in the flowerbed because you're dead?"  Hermione cried.  Suddenly, she disappeared.

A gigantic golden light began to envelop the house.  Phoenix song was playing in Harry's ears.

"I'll take the chance!" he said to no one, and flung himself out of the window. 

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A/N 2:  Gee, I really hope this turned out good this time!  How many times have I posted this by now???  3?  4?  Lol.  Anyway, my dad put this as an HTML file, so it should be good (I hope).  Then again, what does it matter?  It's not like anyone is reading.  L

@---------Inigma


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